Honey, I´m fine  without you!

This is one chapter of my book.

what women can do to win the future
 

 

The vulnerability of being
 
Are we women vulnerable? That lies probably in the eye of the beholder. Are you vulnerable? Of course not, or? Considering how much you are able to organize, how much work you load upon yourself, who you’re quickly doing a favour for, how many friendships you maintain with phone calls, advice and actions. No sign of vulnerability. Everything that is demanded from us will be taken care of, as long as it is actually within the realistic realm.  
Often we are even able to go beyond our strength. Did you ever in your life hear the sentence: “How do you get all of this sorted?” or “You are tough!” by anyone? By now you will know that your public image is different to what you feel inside. That can have the advantage that you get approval: No one recognizes your weaknesses. Of course this is something you can work with. You possibly can use this advantage and develop yourself more freely in this disguise. You could overplay inner insecurity easily, because you can be sure that even if you almost faint with excitement, no one will notice on the surface. And if no one can see it then you don’t need to be nervous in future situations like this; obviously you appear to be more casual than expected. The whole stress, to camouflage the excitement and therefore get in even more excitement, disappears completely! That can be quite nice.  
But it can also have big disadvantages: Scarcely anyone will show consideration for you! The people around you won’t get the idea that there is a very gentle and sensitive part inside of you. How could they!?

No one guesses that you pay attention to every word that is being said, especially if these words concern you. So to speak you have the accurate gold scale tightly installed inside of you! Every word is being put on it and then you decide if this statement is being judged as neutral, positive or even negatively. As a matter of fact, it is almost impossible to make a neutral statement, at least not with sensitive women. Positive is possible, but only if you are ready to believe the positive about it. Promptly the woman assumes that behind a positive statement or even a compliment is an inferior reason. Even though her first impulse might be to be happy about it, some questions are quickly going through her beautiful head: Why should someone just pay her a compliment? What shall this compliment achieve? The sender of the compliment surely wants to either flirt or motivate her on the work front to take over a job.  
Please observe yourself in everyday life how you react to compliments. Do you simply accept them and are happy about it or do you say thank you for it? Or do you try to lessen the compliment by putting it off immediately and saying: “Oh, I’ve had this dress already for ages!” or even better: “The dress was reduced! Bargain!”  
Many women are tending to shatter friendly words with real killerstatements and are later surprised that compliments are getting rarer and rarer. This, on the other hand, they take personally. It opens a completely new topic area and they ask themselves: “Am I not worth it that he is saying something nice to me once in a while?” Or they are full of sentimental desire: “In the past he used to make an effort to compliment me…”
Sometimes the impression is created as if we women made it our mission, to look for reasons that assert that we are worth nothing, that we won’t be accepted by anyone in this world and that no one likes to see our truly good sides. It is a kind of collection container, which wants to be filled over and over again by us. Or is it us that want to fill this collecting container?  
No! Of course it is not us! We actually constantly keep looking for situations to destroy this exact container. We are looking for men that save us from the deficit! We are looking for men that recognize our true value and simply love us! But, how are the guys supposed to do that when we do not even believe that a compliment is truth, but rather immediately crumble it in our heads in tiny steps?
Now we are heading to the rubric “Alarm!”, “Highest explosive risk!!”, “Negative statements”, or let’s just call it “Criticism”  
We, naturally, do claim for ourselves that we can handle criticism constructively. But it is much nicer if no one would say anything in that direction. It hurts us on the inside and most of all it haunts us, sometimes for weeks, months, years! If we are honest then we have to admit that even the argument: “Well, it all depends on the wording!” doesn’t hold. Criticism is criticism! And it indeed sounds better when it is worded this way: “Darling, you know I think you’re great, but could you please not spread your loads of cosmetics and make-up that extensively around the bathroom?”
But what is your first and second reaction to that?
Is it a clear: “Hm, maybe he is right? I should go in the bathroom and check where I have all my things. I’ll put it away and he’ll be happy again.” Probably not! Is the first reaction in your mind: “Whaaat? Mr. Gentleman is spreading his socks all over the place and wants to tell me something about my cosmetics in the bathroom?? I, at least, remain in one room only while his socks can be found everywhere!” Which version seems more familiar with you?  
These are the first reactions, not pleasant, but not of great significance. Whereas the second reactions are way more dramatic.

Women tend toward contemplation! And this further thinking looks in many cases like this: “If he already says that, because there are a lot of cosmetics in the bathroom, then he actually wants to say something else. I am probably too much for him and he only realizes it with the crème pots. Next it will be another of my things. He basically has enough of me if he’s bothering to mention such small details. Usually he doesn’t care about anything.”
This is the more featured second reaction; foolishly there is yet another that ticks in the background and is rarely being checked about its actual, true content. The following lines of thought are at work: “If I’m already being addressed about my cosmetics in the bathroom, then I am a burden to him. There is no space where I am welcome or desirable. Nowhere where I’m allowed to be the way I really am. Not even with this man here.” The woman withdraws back into herself and immediately builds a kind of protection wall. In this sad, hurt state, she simply decides to keep all of her things within a minimal space and rather makes herself invisible in the future. From here on the situation gets highly dangerous! Now she installs a filter. From that moment on she listens into every statement, if she finds another hint that confirms her assumption that she doesn’t have the right-to-be in this apartment. But woe to him if he at any time soon mentions anything similar about her shoe collection (which knowingly every woman needs!) or the mass of handbags (whose purchase replaces every therapist!)
From this, classic cases of explosions are developing that are absolutely not comprehensible for the men. Depending on the type of woman, instead of an explosion, a silence can be a result. The really bad thing about it is: In the mind of the woman this is a fact. She classifies herself as absolutely neutral and judges the situation just like this. As a result she is questioning things only in the widest sense.

“What have I done to deserve this?” With this I want to say: She is actually suffering.  
At this point, an experienced therapist would recommend an open conversation. Ask your darling: “What do you want to tell me with this criticism? That you can’t stand me anymore or just the way I spread the crème pots everywhere?”  
I’d bet that this man is taken by complete surprise, because he would not have the idea that it could have been understood in a different way. If he would have meant it was about you then he would have said it. If he says cosmetics, then he means cosmetics. If he says shoes, then he means shoes. Not more and not less.  
Experience shows that the man is taken by surprise and is naturally putting his statement into perspective or at least reassures that he truly only meant the cosmetics when confronted with such a clarifying question.  
Oh well, ladies! To accept that, we just simply should believe the men! But this doesn’t even work with the compliments! How is that supposed to work in this case?  
And already the lid of the collection container opens at the horizon and you are telling yourself: “He’s only saying this now, to cover his ass!”  
 
I am aware that this chapter might be a bit entangled and complicated to read, but the many thought loops that are looking after our disaster so actively, are hard to put in lines. We actually need at this point a kind of flow chart or a decision tree. If HE says that, then YOU think this. When HE says that, then, in two days at the latest, you won’t get this interpretation out of your head and it will push you into unhappiness! It will become another story over a coffee
with your friend about the impossibility of men and why you are having this bad luck again to annoy yourself with a guy like that. Even though you made sure that it will be different this time with this man. Nothing is going to change if your mind doesn’t change. Then, out of this vulnerability a search for unhappiness can quickly develop.  
The good news is as so often: If you are aware of this problem then you will be able to stop the automatic processes. You can even avoid manoeuvring yourself into these situations. After all, this is all about your contentment and happiness. 

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Contact

Dipl.Psych. Sonja Tolevski & Partner

Quadrat C1, Hausnummer 18

68159 Mannheim

​​

Tel:    0621-15302703

email: office@tolevski.de

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